It all started when I began listening to my mother.... she wanted me to work in a "green park with trees". I guess this was her way of saying she was sick of driving across West Texas. (ahem... 12 hours of straight road through brown desert before hitting the New Mexico line, which then has MORE straight roads and brown desert!) So I headed up north to a forested park with 1000s of lakes and millions of islands.
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| From a plane, these islands look about as tiny as they really are! |
One day mid-summer, I go out for a day-long patrol in a small boat with another ranger. B was a young guy who had worked here for a few years and "knew what he was doing and would take full responsibility". Famous last words...
We had been island hopping all day, checking campsites and talking to boaters on the water. These islands don't have docks; you just pull on the shore and tie up. Like this...
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| Boating in the north woods is rough business! |
After tying and untying all day as we moved from island to island, we were psyched to get to some sandy shores where we could just beach the damn boat. We beached our boat and headed over to the campsite to clean up some leftover trash. Dropping the trash, my backpack and our radio back into the boat, we noticed some blueberries up a small hill so off we went. We were gorging ourselves on luscious sun-warmed blueberries and enjoying a glorious afternoon of blue skies and bluer waters when I happened to look past the bushes and down to the water, seeing something that made my heart skip a beat...
"Um... is that our boat?!" I ask B.
B stood up out of a bush, covered in blueberry juice, and cast an incredulous eye down to the lake where a boat with my backpack and our radio was floating unmanned out to Canada.
B - "Shit!!!" as he ran down the hill to the beach.
Me - "Fuck! You go get it! You're responsible for the boat, remember?" as I ran after him.
B - "WTF ever! You go get it. You saw it first!" still running.
Me - "Hell no! I'm a 7 and you're a 5, you go get it!" still following.
B began to strip off his shoes as he ran onto the now empty beach. Socks, pants and shirt soon followed; tossed onto the sand as he prepared to dive headlong into the lake and chase after our damn runaway boat! Just before he hit the water, I yelled for his glasses. (can't have him losing those or even if we get our boat back, we'll never make it home!) His glasses came flying at me as he disappeared into the water in a flurry of splashing.
I helplessly watched from shore, pacing nervously and wondering how I was going to explain losing a boat and having to hitch a ride home to my boss. B raced across the water and finally made it to our boat just moments before it hit the international channel and was taken away by the current. Luckily he was strong and young enough to haul himself into the boat. However, before he did, he took a quick look around to make sure nobody was looking! My heart soared as he roared the boat to life and hauled ass towards shore.
He beached the boat on shore again, making sure to TIE UP. I turned my head just in time as he stripped out of his underwear and laid on a rock to dry off. So there I was, holding B's clothes, in full uniform, desperately trying to hide my badge, while standing next to a naked sunbathing coworker. One more thing to try and explain to my boss... and to B's girlfriend.
After a few minutes, B decided he was dry enough to get back in the boat, still naked but for his wet and now see-through undies. We loaded up into the boat and floated back to the open water. Breaking the silence, B turns to me and says "Nobody hears about this! Right?". I agree and we both burst into laughter.
As we turn the boat and head back towards home, a boat approaches us. Keep in mind we are in a bright red boat with "Park Ranger" emblazoned cross the sides and B is in transparent underwear. I plaster a big smile on my blushing face and greet our visitors, a family with small children. (I died....).
All I remember of our conversation with the family was how B kept trying to turn the boat's nose towards theirs to hide his nakedness. This is exactly what you don't normally want to do and the dad driving his boat kept trying to correct and pull up next to us. His eyes widened when he achieved parallel status only to see naked B in the drivers seat! Hah! He smiled, and giving us side eye, turned his boat away a bit. B muttered something about an unexpected swim and we departed.
By the time we made it home, he'd told several friends we met along the way so the secret was out. Everyone had a good laugh.. but I don't remember ever telling my boss.
Sorry for not having any pictures of the event. That would have been PRICELESS!
